?

Log in

Still Insane
...but a little more stable
Recent Entries 
1st-Oct-2008 07:18 am - NEW JOURNAL

To the few of you who still read my journal: I've created a new LJ. I felt this might be time for a fresh start here. If interested, you can find my new journal at http://pharynette-1018.livejournal.com/

Happy blogging!
30th-Sep-2008 07:18 am - Wanted: new coping skills
I have been having a rough few days. It's catching up with me physically. I couldn't fall asleep last night. Then, I woke feeling as though I didn't sleep at all. I'm tired, have a headache, and tummy is bothering me. I need to stop freaking out about stuff and making everything worse than it actually is.

Wanted: new coping skills that aren't bad for my physical and mental well being - that don't drag other people's moods down with mine - that are likely to lead to solutions
19th-Sep-2008 11:27 am - size 8
Two things:

1. I JUST BOUGHT A SIZE 8 JEANS, AND THEY FIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HELLZ YEAH!!!!!!!! (size 14/16 to size 8, sometimes 10 in 7 months...go me!)

2. My cell phone is not working properly. You may or may not be able to get in touch with me. :(
12th-Sep-2008 11:29 am - My Really Cool Friend
So, I have to tell you about my really cool friend. Well, she's actually kind of a dork, but that's part of why I think she's so cool.

My really cool friend is very brave. She's done things that I was just too chicken to do. She went away to college, and when she graduated, moved to a large city and started a career. I tell people I had other reasons to stay in my hometown, but in the end, I was just too afraid to move away when I was younger. Not my really cool friend, though! She grabbed life by the horns and set out to see what it was all about for a while. She's really cool.

My really cool friend has a quirky sense of humor that makes me shake my head sometimes. She says the dorkiest things, but they're so funny and innocent I can't help but laugh.

My really cool friend makes a lot of smart decisions. She's very responsible. I wish I could be that way. Sometimes, I try to think about what she might do if she were in my situation. I really admire what a great work ethic she has, and how she does what has to be done, even if she doesn't want to.

My really cool friend has great fashion sense, too. She always wears cute clothes and her hair always looks great.

My really cool friend is so accepting and tolerant of others. She just takes people as they are and never puts them down or makes them feel bad.

My really cool friend is an awesome friend. She's genuinely happy for her friends when things are good, and genuinely concerned for them when things are bad. She always tries to help.

My really cool friend deserves only the best in this life, but she settles too much sometimes. She sometimes settles for unrewarding jobs, or friends who aren't nearly as cool as she is, or men who don't really love her the way they should.

I just hope that someday my really cool friend will realize just how really cool she is, and never settle for anything less than what she deserves.
10th-Sep-2008 08:46 am(no subject)
I'm not quite sure why, but I can't bring myself to go to bed before midnight these days. I also hate the idea of waking before 8am. It wasn't too long ago that I was in bed by 11 (at the latest) and up by 6:30-7 without a problem. I can't seem to get myself on that kind of schedule again. It isn't too big a problem atm because all my classes are in the afternoon/evening, but it's bothering me. I think it's just going to come down to making myself get back on that type of schedule.
9th-Sep-2008 11:14 am - The Last Lecture and Brick Walls
I borrowed the book, The Last Lecture, from my friend. I read it last night. For anyone unfamiliar with the book, it was written after Randy Pausch, a professor of CS at Carnegie Mellon, gave his Last Lecture. He had been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, and had only 3-6 months to live. Many people watched the lecture, then bought the book. I did it backward. This morning, I went to the website and watched the lecture. He said a lot of important things. H e had a lot of wisdom to share, but the one thing that keeps sticking with me, both from the book and the lecture, is what he said about brick walls.
He kept saying that brick walls are there to to give us a chance to show how much we want something, and to keep those out who don't want it badly enough. I think I'm really going to internalize that. I think that perspective can really be life changing. Instead of looking at these walls as insurmountable obstacles, looking for ways to avoid them, or go around them, I need to decide which walls are important enough for me to scale and overcome, then do it.
6th-Sep-2008 10:20 am - Happy Day!
I'm so excited!!!

Today, I'll have my first niece!!! J's brother and his g/f are at the hospital as we speak. They induced Jen (the mom-to-be) this morning. I can't wait 'til we get the phone call to come welcome baby Alyssa to the family!!! YAY! :D

And, in comparison to a new baby it might sound a bit shallow, but I'm also psyched because J and I are going to the cider mill today! Yep, Ritter's opens today and I can't wait to get up there and smell the apples, taste the cider, and maybe, if I'm lucky, buy a basket or two for centerpieces. Woot!
4th-Sep-2008 12:14 pm - Gross!
Today has been disgusting!!!

It started well enough. I woke around 8, had coffee and a smoke, checked email, and started to do some work. I was wrapping up some things for today's classes around 10 and decided to do some laundry. I grabbed the basket of dirty clothes, and headed to the basement where I noticed water on the floor and a strange smell in the air. I followed the puddle of water to its source, only to find disgusting sewage scattered on the floor around the drain. Yeah, that's right...sewage. There was no mistaking it. I promptly turned around and ran up the stairs, trying not to dry heave (sensitive stomach).

Fortunately, our landlord is very on top of things. I left her a message, and she returned my call a short time later. She's got Roto-Rooter coming today to take care of it.

In the meantime, I went to my parent's house to use their facilities. I certainly wasn't going to flush here and risk adding to the problem, and I'm not sure if showering/running water would also be an issue. So, I took a quick shower there and returned home.

I hope Rotorooter comes before I leave for my afternoon class. If not, the basement door is open for them. It'd just be nice to know that it's all cleaned up. It's grossing me out knowing that it's there.

This day really did go down the toilet! Ok, that was cheesy, I know. Let's just hope it doesn't get worse!
2nd-Sep-2008 01:19 am - Education, Children, Our Life
It's almost 1:30am and I'm still awake.  I'm  not really surprised. Lots on my mind, and not all of it bad.

The semester begins tomorrow, rather, today. I'm eager to get back to the classroom. I always have a bit of nerves the first day or two, then I remember that I am actually pretty good at what I do, despite my inexperience and insecurities, and I settle right in.

I wish I could go back to school, even just part time. I want my MA, and I'm not even sure I care what it's in at this point. I go back and forth between English/Lit and Education, or Technology in the Classroom. I really like the idea of taking Tech in the Classroom, and Penn State offers a lot of online options for that course of study. Too bad I'm broke and can't take out student loans atm. I'd still love to apply to IUP for their Comp Studies program. I think I'm not going to give up on continuing my education. For  a while, I did. I think I'll make  a plan. I know I can't do it in the next few years, but in 5 years' time, I'd like to be enrolled  in a program. I don't know how realistic 5 years is. I just picked it off the top of my head. I'll have to take a closer look at our plan to come up with a realistic time frame.

The truth is, it's more of an optionfor my future now than it might have been previously. Previous to what? To a pretty big decision that J and I recently made. Though we're taking a bit of time to make sure I'm certain about it before we actually take medical steps, we've come to the conclusion that we will not have children. J was never to keen on the idea, though he always said if I wanted kids he'd be ok with it, but he'd prefer to get a boat.

For a while, I thought I'd really like to have children. When I went through my surgery this past spring, it really got me thinking a lot about it because there was the small chance that it could interfere with my ability to succesfully carry to term. I freaked out at the idea that I might not be able to have children. Once my surgery was over, and my follow up went ok, I started to think that maybe it wouldn't be such an awful thing to be childfree. When I was younger (late teens, early 20s) I said I didn't want kids, and meant it. Sometime in my mid 20s, one day I would think I wanted to  be a mom one day, and the next day, I wouldn't.

Now, I'm back to thinking that a life without children would suit me best. It's nice that J feels similarly. I'm still working some of it out for myself. I just don't want to regret making the decision permanent (i.e. sterilization for either of us). However, I don't want to be stuck taking the pill for much longer. I've been on it for many, many years, and I would like to  go off it and let my body do its thing.

The thought of pregnancy itself completely turns me off. Sure, it's great for some women, but I don't really want a huge belly, breasts leaking, nausea, cravings, labor, delivery, episiotomy, healing.  Then comes 3am feedings, burping, puking, pooing, potty training, tons of money on diapers, formula, toys, and clothes. Then you worry about what they are learning, what they aren't learning, behavior, education, influences, drugs, sex, drinking, driving, paying for college, ugh. And all that while you're stuck. By the time you're finished 'raising' your children, you've missed the most  vital years of your life and finally make that trip to Egypt when you're too old to handle the heat.

I know, I make it sound awful, and there are many rewards that come with being a parent. The ability to shape someone's character, love them unconditionally, and find joy in their life is priceless. Many parents will say it's all worth it. Maybe for them, but I'm not so sure it'd be worth it for me.

At some point in my life, I'd like to enjoy financial freedom. I'd like to know I can spend money doing things J and I want to do. I'd  like to know that after a long, rewarding day at work, I could come home and spend my time doing what I want to do rather than tending to someone else's needs/wants. I want the luxury of a long weeikend or an extended vacation without worrying if we have enough cash for our kid to attend  college, or if there is anyone wh o can sit with them, or having to drag them along to places I'd rather explore on my own terms. I want to spend time on continuing my education, not spending evenings on middle school grammar or high school algebra homework. I want to have sex with J anywhere in the house I want at any time I want, without having to sneak around so the kids don't hear/see.

I do not deny that I have  some nurturing instincts. However, they are usually satisfied by caring for my cat, or making dinner or cookies (or both) for J and me. After a few hours with my friends' children, I'm usually at my limit. I'm ready for their kids to go away. Supposedly it's 'different when you have your own,' but I'm not so sure I'm willing to risk that being untrue.

So, J gets a boat (and probably some super duper gaming computer), and I get a shi-tzu (sp?), and a trip to Egypt. We both get our library, our trip to Ireland, and a life dedicated to  enjoying each other and all the world has to offer, without the worry and struggle that comes with raising children (and the physical stress on my body). Hmmm...doesn't sound so bad. I still wonder what's with J and the boat thing, though!
29th-Aug-2008 08:18 am - I <3 J
Thank goodness for J. A friend and I had a bit of an argument yesterday, and I was really hurt and upset last night. J was so good to me, helping calm me down and comfort me. I know my friend and I will work things out, but J was really my saving grace last night. Thanks, J. I love you. <3
This page was loaded Jul 20th 2017, 12:40 pm GMT.